Sigh

Today's sunrise was foggy and vague. It looked just about how I felt.

I didn't have a great night last night. A naive and unfortunate miscalculation on my part caused me to let down a lot of people whom I had intensely wanted to please. I went to bed trying to battle away feelings that I've never belonged in Chicago, and that because I have continued to struggle in my efforts to leave a positive impression of myself and my abilities with people I've encountered since coming here, there's no way I could ever hope to stay and make any sort of reasonable living.

I felt jinxed. I felt like there was some sort of tangible entity working to prevent me from representing myself well. I was too angry to cry and too embarrassed to relax and move on accepting that I'd just made a mistake...that everyone makes mistakes from time to time...and that the one I made last night is destined to eventually fade into the background just like everything else I worry too much about.

Some of these thoughts were still swimming around in my head when I made it to the lake shore this morning...though maybe their edge had been dulled a bit by a good night of sleep.

I think the lake is actually quite beautiful on days like today. I watched the water lap and fold over the top of a shallow sand bar feeling as blank and numb as the gray sky above...


I let my eyes relax and fade off into the indistinct distance...tried to find the horizon line as it faded in and out just beyond the realm of easy perception...listened for the sun's muted sheen reflected over the quiet waves...

...and marveled at finely-drawn patterns in the sand that danced and shimmered like an optical illusion...

Sigh...life goes on.