For my Mom

Ok Mom, I've decided to try out this blogging thing. I'm nervous and a little hesitant about starting because of concerns of privacy on the internet, and fears about sharing too much about my thoughts and experiences, but it looks as though on this site I have a lot of control over those specifics.

I agree with you that posting here might end up being quite useful while I'm away at Northwestern...and beyond for that matter. Also, it might be helpful for me personally as writing each entry will force me to organize my thoughts and specify my feelings--which is something I seem to have trouble with lately.

Another worry I've had is that a blog could turn in to a really negative and ultimately unproductive platform for my venting. As I'm sure you've been aware, it's been a tough couple years for me. I have found it difficult to effectively articulate what has been going on inside my head without coming across as a complete witch and starting a downward and persistent spiral into more and more negativity. I have felt anxious and acted defensively in almost every setting (lately even in those where that behavior hasn't been merited) and though my recent difficulty to trust and engage with others close to me has done nothing but increase my depression and self hatred, I've not yet been able to make myself "snap out of it" so to speak.

By deciding to start this blog, I've also made the decision to, step-by-step, reengage myself with important aspects of my life and see if that will help me ultimately rejoin the rest of humanity. This is why I decided to title my page "Starting Today".

A few years ago I had a wall calendar on which I'd write something descriptive (and ideally positive) at the end of the day. Each daily square in every month (for a few months anyway) ultimately contained a little snippet of something exciting, beautiful, or inspirational I'd seen, heard, or experienced on that day. The record was not perfect. There were a few days when I couldn't seem to come up with anything of value or others when I was down and bitterly refused to even make an effort. Occasionally I even wrote that I was tired or just depressed. For the most part though, I kept up the habit of seeking out bits of sunshine.

Here are some sample entries:

January 2--Tried a Vosges Bacon Chocolate Bar
January 15--Saw a lady with 3 foot fingernails at Ross!
February 3--FIRST KISS WITH ROB @ JFK AIRPORT!
February 13--Beautiful sunrise on way to work.
March 14--Mal brought great cookies to work!
April 12--went to visit grandpa in Idaho--he and Dad welded music stands at the county line--Saw and heard an owl in the woods.
November 6--FINALLY BELOW 170!!!

So, nothing really that profound or earth-shattering. Still, it was probably a good exercise.

In the spirit of starting each day with an eye toward finding the good in it, I want to use this blog to help keep me focused on the things in my life that are positive and the promise my future holds, rather than continually allowing myself to be mired in the troubles of a portion of my life I will soon be stepping beyond. As with the calendar, I am sure there will be days when I'm struggling and will feel the need to cry a bit, but for the most part, my purpose here will be to look forward, upward, inward and outward to the best things I experience and hope for.

I love you Mom. You are one of my best sources of inspiration and strength. The mere fact that I have a bit of you as part of my physical make up is reason enough for me to be optimistic. Thank you for your example.